The hooves trot with haste along the stones to my safety
Under the heavenly rays of sun my armor glints
The gold and silver stretching from my neck to my toes with no interruption
but the streaks of red splattered across my chest and painting my hands
I, the holy messenger, have completed my act of justice and the godless have been slain
Through Me the Lord hath enacted his will and I humbly accept the job of enacting it
Yet my heart if pulled back to those I have cut from this world
Their guilt on my mind
Their blood on my hands
As the sureness of my righteous act fades away
The heavens shut their doors on me
The valley in bathed in darkness
I am sure now
I have made a mistake and
The eternal father has forsaken me for it
I slow my steed and dismount
Drop to my metal knees and raise my bloodied hands
Clasp together my palms full of sin
“Have I sinned my Lord? Have I wronged your will? I have served you wholeheartedly for all my life. Was it wrong for me to baptize the sins of the unworthy in blood and fear? Please, give me a sign. A sign that I am still a man of divine duty!”
Silence
The steal clad man awaits the answer of his master
The illusion remains as the skies clear
Now reassured of his own cause
He climbs back on his mount
But not before he clasped his hands
Unholy hands forevermore
Dear Pierce,
I really enjoyed reading this post! You did an excellent job at tying all your ideas together, and the formatting was stylistically pleasing. Normally it seems as though when people write in short lines, they lose track of what their focus was, but you didn’t and it was great.
There were a few spelling mistakes throughout the poem and you were missing a couple commas that could have added more depth to your piece because that’s what a comma does. For example, in the line “Under the heavenly rays of sun my armor glints”i feel like there should be a comma after the word sun. I also noticed there were little to no periods after your sentences, so just remember that punctuation in your writing is what bring everything together – i also don’t want you to lose marks for that.
All in all, this was a great piece that has an interesting style that I love seeing work. I cannot wait to read more of your work in the future!
Love, Sarah <3
Dear Pierce,
Sensational! From start to end, I was immersed in your writing and could almost feel everything happening in the narrative; from the clasping together of hands to the pin-drop silence felt by the protagonist. Also, I really liked how your title was given meaning throughout the story, and was the first and last phrase of this piece, it made the free choice more impactful.
In terms of the piece itself, I think it is flawless, but something I think you could improve on is basically just reading your piece one more time before you post it. Do this not after you finish writing, but 5, 10 minutes after you’re done so you can look at it from a little bit of a different perspective. If not, you could always give it to someone else to proof-read. I suggest this because of minor errors in lines 4, 8, and 27. For line 4, I think you should change “painting” with “painted.” Also, on line 8 I assumed that you meant “mind” instead of “mid,” though I could be wrong. Lastly, on line 27, or the second to last line, I suggest that you say “clasps” and not “clasped.”
Although these errors didn’t really affect the flow of the story for me, I think they might affect some other reader’s flow.
Overall, your piece was distinctive and excellent, and I surely look forward to reading future posts of yours.
Sincerely,
Unas
Dear Pierce,
This is the first time that I am reading your work, and love it. I could hear you reading this out, with your booming and confident voice, and was able to see how the writing itself reflects this nature. It is very sophisticated and somewhat lyrical, but it has a storyline that runs throughout and weaves it all together. I like the lines, “Their guilt on my mind/Their blood on my hands” because of the stylistic repetition and the correlation between guilt and blood. Anything to do with blood usually reminds me of war, and this piece gave me insight into the haunting guilt that soldiers and leaders feel in battle. They may have nationalistic mentalities, but they are still an individual’s killing at the end of the day.
One thing you could add is the image of a gladiator. I wrote about this for my about me and can see how it could correlate with your ideas of being unholy and running after glory.
All in all, it has been a great semester, and I am glad to have gotten to know you better. You always have something interesting to share, and I hope to continue learning from you next year.
Nazeefa
Dear Pierce,
As though I am a crazy person, I can hear your voice reading me this poem as it is fully captured in it. It ties in everything from your title to your poem as it is amazingly done. I could not find much to comment on for feedback besides wish there was more of the divine being’s response to the protagonist. Besides that, it was a lovely post and I can not wait to see what else you can create.
-Melody